Anticipation

We went to the doctor yesterday and it turns out I'm 3-4 cm dilated, which means that Noah could come today, tomorrow, or in three weeks... whenever he feels like it basically. We are so excited to meet him!!! What's cool is that God already knows his birthday. He has the whole day planned out, from beginning to end, and his whole life planned out too. 

I have a peace about this which is so surprising and can only be attributed to the Lord. I have been afraid of child birth since the moment I learned how babies were born into this world. Now, I honestly don't fear it. I just look forward to it. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to hold his little body and look at his hands and feet... it's truly a miracle, the whole process. We are in awe. 

Baby bump from beginning to almost end

These are not very professional, but it was the best I could do at the time :)

13 weeks

16 weeks

18 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

26 weeks

27 weeks

29 weeks

31 weeks

34 weeks

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So on Monday I have another doctors appointment. The nurse said I could drive myself which will be weird. It has been almost a whole month since I've driven~ scary! I will probably practice in the neighborhood before venturing onto I-4. You're welcome.

I will be 36 weeks pregnant on Sunday. The doctor said I could be off of bed rest on Monday after my appointment, which is very exciting! I will have to take it easy and not over-exert myself (no trampolines, I guess), but I can drive again and do other normal activities like cook gourmet meals for Neal and tend to my vegetable garden (ha).

I feel mixed about going off of strict bed rest. I hate that anxious feeling I get where I wonder what to do with an entire day... I love it for a few days, but more than that can get a little lonely. Who knows, though; Noah may decide to enter this world next week and I won't have time to be lonely/antsy.

I wish I was better at resting. My friend Katie said she prays for me to be able to experience God's peace, for my soul to truly rest. That has been my prayer my whole life. I want this "soul rest", this constant rest that doesn't change depending on my circumstances. I want to believe in God's goodness so much that even when I am having an uneventful or sad day, I still have the sense of peace that I am ok, that God is with me, that he is taking care of me and hasn't left me, nor will he ever leave me.

Things I've learned, missed, and haven't missed while on bed rest

Some things I've learned (in no particular order):

1. I have a really hard time being physically still
2. I have a hard time being mentally/emotionally still
3. I am blessed with amazing family and friends who will do just about anything to help us
4. Nothing good is on TV between 12-3
5. Netflix is amazing, especially the instant Netflix that links your internet to your TV so you can watch movies instantly
6. God had to knock me off my feet to get me to slow down
7. It's nice to just sit and talk to people, not necessarily DO anything with them. Pressure is off to plan what to do w/ people.
8. Being a mom is going to require me to sacrifice my comfort, time, and a lot more, but it's worth it
9. I really like making lists
10. I need people to remind me of the truth daily (that I'm loved, that God is in control, that he is good)

Things I've missed:

1. Driving
2. Cleaning
3. Going to Target
4. Going to dinner
5. Going to people's houses
6. Organizing
7. Church
8. People/kids at my school
9. Taking walks
10. Fitting into normal clothes, not just Neal's

Things I haven't missed:

1. Cooking
2. Being so busy
3. Being anxious
4. Getting up when it's dark out
5. Wearing makeup
6. Doing my hair
7. Grocery shopping
8. Doing dishes
9. Doing laundry
10. Making the bed

Hilarious video

I saw this on the Ellen show... it made me laugh, which is important to do at least a few times each day. This girl just got her wisdom teeth out and is still a little "loopy".

Copy and paste:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS3Olh9DnaE

On loan

A few months ago, Neal mentioned something that has really helped to take some of the pressure off- the pressure to raise this child "the right way", to protect him from all evil (not possible, I realize), to keep him from getting hurt in any way. He reminded me that this is God's child, not ours. God is giving us the privilege of raising him, of being his "earthly parents", but ultimately he belongs to the Lord. It blows my mind to think that God loves this baby more than we do or ever will. He delights in him so much and he hasn't even breathed his first breath. That's amazing to me.

We pray that he will grow up knowing he is loved by God and by us (that even now in the womb he feels God's presence), we pray that he will grow into a man who knows and loves the Lord and makes decisions based on that knowledge and truth. And obviously we have some responsibility in teaching him the Truth, right from wrong, etc., but even if we do all of these things "right" (which we won't), our son is going to make mistakes, to hurt people, to disappoint us. He's human and this is not heaven, so this is bound to happen. The hardest part for me (and probably Neal) will be not letting my world crumble when he does disappoint. I know I can't control every aspect of this little boy. He will have a mind of his own, and while we will do our best to raise a strong, godly son, we have to remember that we can't possibly do it perfectly.

I know it will be tempting to find my identity in being a mom. I will have to fight the urge to see every thing that he does right or wrong as a reflection of my goodness/weakness. I will need people to remind me of this. I am the queen of performance. I put way too much weight on how I perform in life, and do the same to people close to me, as they reflect me as well. Being a teacher, I have seen parents so embarrassed by the poor choices of their children. I can imagine our son in preschool spitting on someone's head or pulling someone's hair, and I get a phone call from the teacher. I imagine my stomach will turn in embarrassment: My son did this? Are you sure you have the right child? I hope I can grow enough in the next few years to be able to fight this urge to be so prideful, and to fight the urge to label myself as a failure as a mother. I give you who are close to us permission to remind us that these are lies. I think it's fine and normal to be disappointed, but I know I'll be tempted to take it a step further and deduce that I/we are failures as parents. This may sound crazy, but it's how my mind works, something that I'm definitely working on.

I have a feeling God will teach us a lot through this experience... He already has. I'm scared to see how he will rock our world, but excited at the same time. As much as I love and yearn for a comfortable life (which I am beginning to realize isn't attainable on earth), how can we grow when we're comfortable? Here come the growing pains...

Dependence Day

Over the past few days I've been thinking about what it means to be dependent on others and on the Lord. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do over the past week. I am such a control freak. I don't like asking people to do my laundry- what if they do it wrong? I realize how controlling I am about so many things like cleaning. But I think maybe that's part of the point... God is teaching me how to relax a little bit, how to let others serve me, and how to stop finding my identity in my self-sufficiency and "perfect" surroundings.

It's interesting how while I have been dependent on others for the past few days, this little baby growing inside of me has been completely dependent on me. He's depending on me to stay off of my feet and give him the best conditions to keep growing. So when people are getting me meals, praying for me, visiting, etc., they are helping this sweet boy to turn out healthy.

God is so creative. He loves to surprise us. This has definitely come as a surprise. My whole pregnancy has been so seamless and comfortable. Apparently that's not the kind of life that God values (the comfortable one). He has shaken us up a little bit through this experience. I feel like he's asking us "Are you going to trust me?" Yes, we are. We are choosing to trust you, even though we're scared, and we don't feel prepared to be parents in so many ways, we trust you.

22 weeks

Cutest feet and legs. He's relaxed in there...

Hold out, little baby

Hi friends!
When I was trying to think of things to do while on bed rest, I thought of preparing a blog to showcase our newest member of the Salzman family (name??) who will probably be making an appearance any week now (hopefully not too soon- we want him to be fully cooked and healthy!)

We are excited to be able to share pictures and stories of the little man's journey, and ours as well. We are nervous about having a baby and feel unequipped, but are sure that with support around us and God's grace we can do it just like every other parent in the world.

This is a very wanted little boy. I have cysts on my ovaries and was told that it may be hard to get pregnant, so after five months of taking three pills every day but no baby, I was getting a little discouraged (although I know it's not that long and people try for much longer to have a baby). Needless to say on that fifth month when we were about to ask the doctor to try a different method, I found out I was pregnant. I will spare you all of the little details, but just know that the timing of all of this was definitely in the Lord's hands. We are so grateful for this gift. All through our lives He has been gracious to us as individuals and as a couple... we are so excited about this new chapter of our lives.

Thanks for joining us on the journey!