On loan

A few months ago, Neal mentioned something that has really helped to take some of the pressure off- the pressure to raise this child "the right way", to protect him from all evil (not possible, I realize), to keep him from getting hurt in any way. He reminded me that this is God's child, not ours. God is giving us the privilege of raising him, of being his "earthly parents", but ultimately he belongs to the Lord. It blows my mind to think that God loves this baby more than we do or ever will. He delights in him so much and he hasn't even breathed his first breath. That's amazing to me.

We pray that he will grow up knowing he is loved by God and by us (that even now in the womb he feels God's presence), we pray that he will grow into a man who knows and loves the Lord and makes decisions based on that knowledge and truth. And obviously we have some responsibility in teaching him the Truth, right from wrong, etc., but even if we do all of these things "right" (which we won't), our son is going to make mistakes, to hurt people, to disappoint us. He's human and this is not heaven, so this is bound to happen. The hardest part for me (and probably Neal) will be not letting my world crumble when he does disappoint. I know I can't control every aspect of this little boy. He will have a mind of his own, and while we will do our best to raise a strong, godly son, we have to remember that we can't possibly do it perfectly.

I know it will be tempting to find my identity in being a mom. I will have to fight the urge to see every thing that he does right or wrong as a reflection of my goodness/weakness. I will need people to remind me of this. I am the queen of performance. I put way too much weight on how I perform in life, and do the same to people close to me, as they reflect me as well. Being a teacher, I have seen parents so embarrassed by the poor choices of their children. I can imagine our son in preschool spitting on someone's head or pulling someone's hair, and I get a phone call from the teacher. I imagine my stomach will turn in embarrassment: My son did this? Are you sure you have the right child? I hope I can grow enough in the next few years to be able to fight this urge to be so prideful, and to fight the urge to label myself as a failure as a mother. I give you who are close to us permission to remind us that these are lies. I think it's fine and normal to be disappointed, but I know I'll be tempted to take it a step further and deduce that I/we are failures as parents. This may sound crazy, but it's how my mind works, something that I'm definitely working on.

I have a feeling God will teach us a lot through this experience... He already has. I'm scared to see how he will rock our world, but excited at the same time. As much as I love and yearn for a comfortable life (which I am beginning to realize isn't attainable on earth), how can we grow when we're comfortable? Here come the growing pains...