Anticipation

We went to the doctor yesterday and it turns out I'm 3-4 cm dilated, which means that Noah could come today, tomorrow, or in three weeks... whenever he feels like it basically. We are so excited to meet him!!! What's cool is that God already knows his birthday. He has the whole day planned out, from beginning to end, and his whole life planned out too. 

I have a peace about this which is so surprising and can only be attributed to the Lord. I have been afraid of child birth since the moment I learned how babies were born into this world. Now, I honestly don't fear it. I just look forward to it. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to hold his little body and look at his hands and feet... it's truly a miracle, the whole process. We are in awe. 

Baby bump from beginning to almost end

These are not very professional, but it was the best I could do at the time :)

13 weeks

16 weeks

18 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

26 weeks

27 weeks

29 weeks

31 weeks

34 weeks

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So on Monday I have another doctors appointment. The nurse said I could drive myself which will be weird. It has been almost a whole month since I've driven~ scary! I will probably practice in the neighborhood before venturing onto I-4. You're welcome.

I will be 36 weeks pregnant on Sunday. The doctor said I could be off of bed rest on Monday after my appointment, which is very exciting! I will have to take it easy and not over-exert myself (no trampolines, I guess), but I can drive again and do other normal activities like cook gourmet meals for Neal and tend to my vegetable garden (ha).

I feel mixed about going off of strict bed rest. I hate that anxious feeling I get where I wonder what to do with an entire day... I love it for a few days, but more than that can get a little lonely. Who knows, though; Noah may decide to enter this world next week and I won't have time to be lonely/antsy.

I wish I was better at resting. My friend Katie said she prays for me to be able to experience God's peace, for my soul to truly rest. That has been my prayer my whole life. I want this "soul rest", this constant rest that doesn't change depending on my circumstances. I want to believe in God's goodness so much that even when I am having an uneventful or sad day, I still have the sense of peace that I am ok, that God is with me, that he is taking care of me and hasn't left me, nor will he ever leave me.

Things I've learned, missed, and haven't missed while on bed rest

Some things I've learned (in no particular order):

1. I have a really hard time being physically still
2. I have a hard time being mentally/emotionally still
3. I am blessed with amazing family and friends who will do just about anything to help us
4. Nothing good is on TV between 12-3
5. Netflix is amazing, especially the instant Netflix that links your internet to your TV so you can watch movies instantly
6. God had to knock me off my feet to get me to slow down
7. It's nice to just sit and talk to people, not necessarily DO anything with them. Pressure is off to plan what to do w/ people.
8. Being a mom is going to require me to sacrifice my comfort, time, and a lot more, but it's worth it
9. I really like making lists
10. I need people to remind me of the truth daily (that I'm loved, that God is in control, that he is good)

Things I've missed:

1. Driving
2. Cleaning
3. Going to Target
4. Going to dinner
5. Going to people's houses
6. Organizing
7. Church
8. People/kids at my school
9. Taking walks
10. Fitting into normal clothes, not just Neal's

Things I haven't missed:

1. Cooking
2. Being so busy
3. Being anxious
4. Getting up when it's dark out
5. Wearing makeup
6. Doing my hair
7. Grocery shopping
8. Doing dishes
9. Doing laundry
10. Making the bed

Hilarious video

I saw this on the Ellen show... it made me laugh, which is important to do at least a few times each day. This girl just got her wisdom teeth out and is still a little "loopy".

Copy and paste:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS3Olh9DnaE

On loan

A few months ago, Neal mentioned something that has really helped to take some of the pressure off- the pressure to raise this child "the right way", to protect him from all evil (not possible, I realize), to keep him from getting hurt in any way. He reminded me that this is God's child, not ours. God is giving us the privilege of raising him, of being his "earthly parents", but ultimately he belongs to the Lord. It blows my mind to think that God loves this baby more than we do or ever will. He delights in him so much and he hasn't even breathed his first breath. That's amazing to me.

We pray that he will grow up knowing he is loved by God and by us (that even now in the womb he feels God's presence), we pray that he will grow into a man who knows and loves the Lord and makes decisions based on that knowledge and truth. And obviously we have some responsibility in teaching him the Truth, right from wrong, etc., but even if we do all of these things "right" (which we won't), our son is going to make mistakes, to hurt people, to disappoint us. He's human and this is not heaven, so this is bound to happen. The hardest part for me (and probably Neal) will be not letting my world crumble when he does disappoint. I know I can't control every aspect of this little boy. He will have a mind of his own, and while we will do our best to raise a strong, godly son, we have to remember that we can't possibly do it perfectly.

I know it will be tempting to find my identity in being a mom. I will have to fight the urge to see every thing that he does right or wrong as a reflection of my goodness/weakness. I will need people to remind me of this. I am the queen of performance. I put way too much weight on how I perform in life, and do the same to people close to me, as they reflect me as well. Being a teacher, I have seen parents so embarrassed by the poor choices of their children. I can imagine our son in preschool spitting on someone's head or pulling someone's hair, and I get a phone call from the teacher. I imagine my stomach will turn in embarrassment: My son did this? Are you sure you have the right child? I hope I can grow enough in the next few years to be able to fight this urge to be so prideful, and to fight the urge to label myself as a failure as a mother. I give you who are close to us permission to remind us that these are lies. I think it's fine and normal to be disappointed, but I know I'll be tempted to take it a step further and deduce that I/we are failures as parents. This may sound crazy, but it's how my mind works, something that I'm definitely working on.

I have a feeling God will teach us a lot through this experience... He already has. I'm scared to see how he will rock our world, but excited at the same time. As much as I love and yearn for a comfortable life (which I am beginning to realize isn't attainable on earth), how can we grow when we're comfortable? Here come the growing pains...